Almost an inbuilt response before we've even really listened to what the child is asking us. I guess it comes from a fear that we'll indulge our children too much, and they'll grow up to be 'slefish brats' who expect they will always get everything in life.
If not in a material sense, I think this is a good expectation for our children to have. They are worthy of having everything their heart desires! Happiness, companionship, respect.
I've realised I had a bit of this idea ingrained in me and I would find myself automatically rejecting requests without putting myself in my child's shoes and assessing the importance of their request to them.
I try now to look at the scheme of things from their point of view and make a conscious decision about what I will enable.
Saying 'yes' to my kids can be really refreshing and fun. The joy in their faces when they feel accepted and respected in making decisions is heart warming. :)
It also takes away the expectation from them that the answer will always be 'no', therefore eliminating the fear of rejection when asking a question, and helping them to ask in a much more pleasant way.
If they're already expecting a 'no' but they really want to feel heard, it is likely there will be that desperate whinging tone surrounding it.
Now I'm not suggesting every time your child asks for anything you say yes immediately, there are times (and many of them) when no is a very reasonable answer. Just have a go at really looking into a situation where you might say no out of habit, and determine whether yes could be a viable response.
The other day we bought Little R a singing Easter toy.
Every time we'd gone to the supermarket, Miss T had gone to look at them and both girls had thoroughly enjoyed playing with them in the shop. I had already decided I would get them one each for Easter, as they loved them and I don't really want to buy them chocolate.
When Daddy C was with Little R and saw how much she LOVED them, we decided we would get her one early, as they'd probably be gone by the time Easter rolled around anyway!
She was very proud and happy to bring her new toy all the way home, and to be able to push the button and make that little cow sing and dance as many times as she liked!!!
The next day Miss T was acting a bit defiant, and when prompted as to why she was acting this way, broke into sad tears and exclaimed how much she wanted one of these toys, as she was the one who initially found them. She said she was really happy Little R had one, but when she'd seen it and heard there was only one duck left (her favourite one), that she'd felt really sad and worried she would miss out.
Now in a lot of circumstances this may be approached with the old "You can't always get what you want" or "Your sister is smaller than you, you need to be a big girl" etc
These sort of responses would only cause her to feel invalidated and rejected, and when I though about it from her point of view I could see why she was feeling so heartbroken.
I hugged her and told her I could understood how she was feeling and said I would try to work something out.
She was so genuinely appreciative that I'd heard her and really validated her feelings. She immediately offered to contribute all her money box coins. So sweet.
Luckily we'd hidden the duckie and it was still there. Both the girls are getting a lot of enjoyment from their special little gifts that they usually would not have gotten just out of the blue, and the appreciation hasn't fallen away.
Next time your child asks you for something, a special keepsake or a trip to the park. Evaluate it from their point of view because sometimes it's ok to say 'yes'.
It can even be fun. :)
Till next time
quirkymama x
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