In their shoes...

As a group of parents who may or may not put ourselves under the category of 'Attachment Parents/Instinctual Parents/Aware Parents' etc, one of the things we try to do is put ourselves in our childrens shoes. To see situations through their eyes, liken it to the way they interpret the world and respond accordingly in a gentle manner. It's a very effective way to communicate with our children, as it gives us the opportunity to really understand what they may be experiencing, resulting in them feeling heard and respected and therefore making our approach more effective.

Occasionally we may forget to apply this principle to other parents we come across.
Say someone seeks our support on an issue we don't necessarily agree on, like leaving a young baby to cry in order to 'teach' them to self-settle as they've been told to do by the books or other parents. They may be struggling because it is hard for them to ignore their instincts. They so desperately want to go in and cuddle their little one, but they really want to do the best for them because they love them more than anything and have heard about all the problems that can arise if they don't implement these strategies from the get-go.

There's a chance we've been through this battle ourselves, come out the other side, and probably have very firm views on what we believe is the 'right' way to go about this. We may co-sleep, bed-share, feed to sleep, and be more than happy to meet the needs of our child during the night for the first few years of their lives! The idea of training our children at their psychological detriment purely for our convenience may by now seem ludicrous, but we need to remember that it took a journey to get to that point.
We probably researched, educated ourselves, talked to other parents, battled though sleepless nights and probably went up and down in regards to our happiness of being awake several times a night for years at a time!
It's quite possible we tried some of these gasp-worthy techniques ourselves in order to 'Save Our Sleep'. We want to change the mainstream view on these topics because what we've discovered makes so much more sense and if only every one could know this, life would be so much easier for them!

How would you feel if you yourself were at the beginning point of your journey and you asked for support only to have someone pounce on you and tell you how BAD what you're doing is? "How can you do that to your child, I feel sad for your baby" etc
My guess is pretty hurt/shocked and then more than likely defensive. You're doing what you think is the right thing to do by your baby, for their own good in the future. I mean sure, you've been finding it really hard, crying outside your baby's room as they cry desperately for you to come to them, but if you don't tough through it, you'll be failing them as a parent to teach them how to be independent, right? That's what everyone is telling you to do, it worked for them, you just must be weaker because you can't do it right.Why is this person implying you're a terrible parent for doing what you've been told to do? How dare they imply you don't love your child just because you don't do things the same way as them? What hypocrites!

Perhaps instead you put yourself out there, tell someone about your struggles and they gently respond that it's totally normal to feel that way. They reassure you and on to gently talk about how responding to their baby's cues has made life so much easier for them. Perhaps they have an older child who they parented this way, and they can assure you that your baby won't be in your bedroom till they're 23yrs old! That they eventually develop their own independence when they're psychologically mature enough too. That because their needs have always been met, they trust that you will be there for them when they need you and choose to venture out on their own, making them much more confident and secure. This leaves you with a different idea about it all. A light switch turns on in your head and you go home and research the benefits of these instinctive practices. Gradually you let go of the ideas that were so ingrained in you from the time before you even had a baby. You feel more confident in your decisions and begin to see things in a different light, alleviating a lot of the stress that was surrounding your day to day parenting, giving you more time to enjoy it. You feel grateful for the advice given and appreciate the support you've received.

The next time you're involved in a conversation where you may strongly disagree with the methods being used, try to remain objective. By marching in with all the lists of why not to do what they're doing, you're only going to make them feel attacked and they'll probably retreat and switch off to what you're saying. Try to give positive reinforcement about where they're coming from. Put yourselves in their shoes like you would your children and offer some gentle guidance in a direction you believe may be helpful to them. The name of a book or web page that supports your ideas and give them the time to come to a different place of observation about the subject. Try not to overwhelm someone with all that you've learnt in one sitting, chances are they're overwhelmed enough at the moment and just leaving a couple of pearls of wisdom for them to stew on is more than enough to help them out.

As much as we'd like to educate everyone and 'change the world', it's just not realistic.
Like the Rachel Hunter add for VO5 (you Kiwi's know what I'm talking about) "It won't happen overnight, but it will happen".
Have respect for others and you will be respected in return.

Peace & Love
quirkymama x