In their shoes...

As a group of parents who may or may not put ourselves under the category of 'Attachment Parents/Instinctual Parents/Aware Parents' etc, one of the things we try to do is put ourselves in our childrens shoes. To see situations through their eyes, liken it to the way they interpret the world and respond accordingly in a gentle manner. It's a very effective way to communicate with our children, as it gives us the opportunity to really understand what they may be experiencing, resulting in them feeling heard and respected and therefore making our approach more effective.

Occasionally we may forget to apply this principle to other parents we come across.
Say someone seeks our support on an issue we don't necessarily agree on, like leaving a young baby to cry in order to 'teach' them to self-settle as they've been told to do by the books or other parents. They may be struggling because it is hard for them to ignore their instincts. They so desperately want to go in and cuddle their little one, but they really want to do the best for them because they love them more than anything and have heard about all the problems that can arise if they don't implement these strategies from the get-go.

There's a chance we've been through this battle ourselves, come out the other side, and probably have very firm views on what we believe is the 'right' way to go about this. We may co-sleep, bed-share, feed to sleep, and be more than happy to meet the needs of our child during the night for the first few years of their lives! The idea of training our children at their psychological detriment purely for our convenience may by now seem ludicrous, but we need to remember that it took a journey to get to that point.
We probably researched, educated ourselves, talked to other parents, battled though sleepless nights and probably went up and down in regards to our happiness of being awake several times a night for years at a time!
It's quite possible we tried some of these gasp-worthy techniques ourselves in order to 'Save Our Sleep'. We want to change the mainstream view on these topics because what we've discovered makes so much more sense and if only every one could know this, life would be so much easier for them!

How would you feel if you yourself were at the beginning point of your journey and you asked for support only to have someone pounce on you and tell you how BAD what you're doing is? "How can you do that to your child, I feel sad for your baby" etc
My guess is pretty hurt/shocked and then more than likely defensive. You're doing what you think is the right thing to do by your baby, for their own good in the future. I mean sure, you've been finding it really hard, crying outside your baby's room as they cry desperately for you to come to them, but if you don't tough through it, you'll be failing them as a parent to teach them how to be independent, right? That's what everyone is telling you to do, it worked for them, you just must be weaker because you can't do it right.Why is this person implying you're a terrible parent for doing what you've been told to do? How dare they imply you don't love your child just because you don't do things the same way as them? What hypocrites!

Perhaps instead you put yourself out there, tell someone about your struggles and they gently respond that it's totally normal to feel that way. They reassure you and on to gently talk about how responding to their baby's cues has made life so much easier for them. Perhaps they have an older child who they parented this way, and they can assure you that your baby won't be in your bedroom till they're 23yrs old! That they eventually develop their own independence when they're psychologically mature enough too. That because their needs have always been met, they trust that you will be there for them when they need you and choose to venture out on their own, making them much more confident and secure. This leaves you with a different idea about it all. A light switch turns on in your head and you go home and research the benefits of these instinctive practices. Gradually you let go of the ideas that were so ingrained in you from the time before you even had a baby. You feel more confident in your decisions and begin to see things in a different light, alleviating a lot of the stress that was surrounding your day to day parenting, giving you more time to enjoy it. You feel grateful for the advice given and appreciate the support you've received.

The next time you're involved in a conversation where you may strongly disagree with the methods being used, try to remain objective. By marching in with all the lists of why not to do what they're doing, you're only going to make them feel attacked and they'll probably retreat and switch off to what you're saying. Try to give positive reinforcement about where they're coming from. Put yourselves in their shoes like you would your children and offer some gentle guidance in a direction you believe may be helpful to them. The name of a book or web page that supports your ideas and give them the time to come to a different place of observation about the subject. Try not to overwhelm someone with all that you've learnt in one sitting, chances are they're overwhelmed enough at the moment and just leaving a couple of pearls of wisdom for them to stew on is more than enough to help them out.

As much as we'd like to educate everyone and 'change the world', it's just not realistic.
Like the Rachel Hunter add for VO5 (you Kiwi's know what I'm talking about) "It won't happen overnight, but it will happen".
Have respect for others and you will be respected in return.

Peace & Love
quirkymama x

Shopping Shenanigans

I find it really interesting the way we expect children to behave in shops.
Generally in our everyday lives with our children we encourage them to be hands on in their play-based learning. Whether it be outside touching flowers in the garden or giving them colourful toys to hold.
Then when we go shopping and it all changes.

Here they're expected to not touch anything, keep their hands by their sides and refrain from the excitement all the colourful displays offer.
At the supermarket for instance there are soooo many different shaped/coloured objects all around them, and huge displays built right at their visible level. It must look like one huge big toy store!!!
We all know kids learn a lot from textile contact. They pick things up, feel their texture, take in the different colours, shapes, temperatures.
Everyone else in the shop is walking around taking things off the shelves and putting them in their trolleys, yet children are tisk-tisked if they should happen to take something off the shelf? It just doesn't make much sense and must be so confusing for them! Children tend to copy what they see happening.
How do you explain to a one year old that everything they see is just to walk past and ignore, yet mummy and all the other adults in the shop are allowed to pick things up whenever they feel like it?
It's not really any wonder a lot of people say the supermarket is where the major meltdowns are inevitable!
These places are a sensory overload, and kids are expected to just sit and take it all in like "good little boys and girls" without touching anything, asking for anything, complaining it's boring, etc, etc...

I've noticed whenever I see something I like in a shop, the first thing I do is pick it up and turn it round in my hand to get a better look.
If adults are allowed to satisfy this impulse, with all the 'self-control' we've learnt over the years, then how on earth do we realistically expect our 'living in the present' impulsive children to refrain?
It's really such a shame that so many parents get stressed out, children get told off, and caregivers are judged by the 'naughty' behaviour of children, when they are so often just reacting to their circumstances instinctively.

I love the shops like Bunnings that have little trolleys for the kids. Giving them a bag or basket and allowing them to do a bit of their own shopping can make a world of difference to how your shopping trip might play out! Kids love to be involved, to follow what their 'elders' are doing and feel responsible for their own actions.
I really don't blame them for the times when it all gets too much and they lose it. Supermarkets and shopping centres are enough to make me have a meltdown with all their products, fluorescent lighting, advertising and crowds of people!!!
Thanks to those other shoppers who give me and my children a look of understanding, instead of disapproving looks and muttered comments about how "my children never behaved that way in public".
Happy shopping
quirkymama x

Advice on receiving advice.

As soon as you announce your pregnancy it's like you've put up a sign that says "Tell me what to do".

EVERYONE will have a piece or two of advice for you. Family, friends, the lady sitting next to you on the bus!
You'll be told how to feed your baby, what to feed your baby, when to feed your baby, how to make it sleep, and so on and so forth...
Someone once told me to smile and thank them politely for their advice, then choose whether it applies to you, or chuck it away and never think of it again.
The truth is most of the advice is well meaning, whether it be evidence based, an old wives tale, or remnants of personal experience. The giver of such advice likes to be heard, to feel they've contributed something to your journey that will be of use and save you from the 'suffering' you may possibly endure without it.
It is unlikely they are aware you've been 'advised' on the same subject 4 times that day already, with all of the suggestions conflicting leaving you feeling confused and overwhelmed.
There's no escaping it. As long as that baby bump is visible or that little babe is in your arms, people are going to get involved.

Now I'm going to give you some 'advice'.
Remember that every person, child and situation is different. What works for one family may not work for you. What you did in terms of parenting one child, may be totally out of the picture when parenting your next. Nobody has all the answers, we are ALL learning, every day of our lives.
The best we can do is try to remain aware, listen to our children and follow their cues.
Listen to yourself, if you're doing something for the 'right' reasons but it feels all wrong, stop doing it. We have instincts for a reason. Ignoring them is hard, stressful, and leaves us feeling inadequate.
There's nobody secretly watching you to make sure you've followed through with their instructions on how to raise your child. Do what makes you and your family happy and the journey of parenthood a smoother one, because lets face it, it can be a bumpy road at times even though I'm sure we all agree there's nothing we'd rather be doing!

The next time you're asked if you've got that baby sleeping through like a "good baby" should be, perhaps it's an opportunity for a little gentle education as to why CIO isn't really very ideal or logical?
Or if you know it'll fall on deaf ears, you could try responding that you have a "good baby" who sleeps 12 hours every night and you're all very happy. Chances are that will be the last time you have to have that conversation with that person.
I've never actually done this, I've just changed my tone to one of proudness when I say my 22 month old sleeps in my bed and wakes for breastfeeds during the night. My enthusiasm usually leaves people looking a bit perplexed and the subject changes.
It's easier to advise someone who seems unsure about their decisions I guess. :)

Enjoy your day
quirkymama x

It's OK to say Yes

There seems to be an expectation in our society to say 'no' to our children when they ask us for something.
Almost an inbuilt response before we've even really listened to what the child is asking us. I guess it comes from a fear that we'll indulge our children too much, and they'll grow up to be 'slefish brats' who expect they will always get everything in life.
If not in a material sense, I think this is a good expectation for our children to have. They are worthy of having everything their heart desires! Happiness, companionship, respect.

I've realised I had a bit of this idea ingrained in me and I would find myself automatically rejecting requests without putting myself in my child's shoes and assessing the importance of their request to them.
I try now to look at the scheme of things from their point of view and make a conscious decision about what I will enable.
Saying 'yes' to my kids can be really refreshing and fun. The joy in their faces when they feel accepted and respected in making decisions is heart warming. :)
It also takes away the expectation from them that the answer will always be 'no', therefore eliminating the fear of rejection when asking a question, and helping them to ask in a much more pleasant way.
If they're already expecting a 'no' but they really want to feel heard, it is likely there will be that desperate whinging tone surrounding it.

Now I'm not suggesting every time your child asks for anything you say yes immediately, there are times (and many of them) when no is a very reasonable answer. Just have a go at really looking into a situation where you might say no out of habit, and determine whether yes could be a viable response.

The other day we bought Little R a singing Easter toy.
Every time we'd gone to the supermarket, Miss T had gone to look at them and both girls had thoroughly enjoyed playing with them in the shop. I had already decided I would get them one each for Easter, as they loved them and I don't really want to buy them chocolate.
When Daddy C was with Little R and saw how much she LOVED them, we decided we would get her one early, as they'd probably be gone by the time Easter rolled around anyway!
She was very proud and happy to bring her new toy all the way home, and to be able to push the button and make that little cow sing and dance as many times as she liked!!!
The next day Miss T was acting a bit defiant, and when prompted as to why she was acting this way, broke into sad tears and exclaimed how much she wanted one of these toys, as she was the one who initially found them. She said she was really happy Little R had one, but when she'd seen it and heard there was only one duck left (her favourite one), that she'd felt really sad and worried she would miss out.
Now in a lot of circumstances this may be approached with the old "You can't always get what you want" or "Your sister is smaller than you, you need to be a big girl" etc
These sort of responses would only cause her to feel invalidated and rejected, and when I though about it from her point of view I could see why she was feeling so heartbroken.
I hugged her and told her I could understood how she was feeling and said I would try to work something out.
She was so genuinely appreciative that I'd heard her and really validated her feelings. She immediately offered to contribute all her money box coins. So sweet.
Luckily we'd hidden the duckie and it was still there. Both the girls are getting a lot of enjoyment from their special little gifts that they usually would not have gotten just out of the blue, and the appreciation hasn't fallen away.

Next time your child asks you for something, a special keepsake or a trip to the park. Evaluate it from their point of view because sometimes it's ok to say 'yes'.
It can even be fun. :)

Till next time
quirkymama x